From OncoLog, December 2003, Vol. 48, No. 12

Dialog: When a Parent Is Sick:
Talking to Children about Cancer

Because they believe that one of their most important responsibilities is to protect their children—physically and emotionally—from harm, parents who have been diagnosed with cancer may choose not to tell their children about their illness. It is important, however, for parents to talk about the cancer. If they don’t, children are likely to sense that something is wrong and become worried and isolated. It is equally important to give children a chance to express the emotions they feel and to reassure them.

The key to good communication is tailoring it to the age and developmental stage of each child. A three-year-old, for example, would only need to know that mommy has something called cancer that makes her feel sick sometimes and that she is going to see the doctors to try to make it all better. If the parent is going to experience obvious side effects from the treatment (e.g., hair loss, fatigue), preparing children for this ahead of time will lessen their anxiety. With school-age children, parents can be more frank about what the treatment entails and how it will affect the family’s day-to-day routine. Parents will never go wrong if they listen closely to the questions that children ask and give genuine, honest answers.

As treatment begins, it will be important for the parents to keep the children updated on what is happening. They may arrange a family conference once a month to discuss how things are going, what the latest tests showed, and how the treatment is working. These are particularly good for families with school-age or teenage children. We recommend that children be included in some visits to the hospital so that they feel a part of the family member’s care and so that they can visualize where their loved one is and who is taking care of him or her. Children should be prepared for what they will see and hear in the hospital and encouraged to contribute support in their own way, whether it be drawing a picture, helping the nurse take vital signs, or just sharing laughter and hugs.

It is best not to promise children that their parent isn’t going to die (we all will, someday). Rather, say that the doctors are going to give some very strong medicine to battle the cancer, and they hope that it will be successful. In most hospitals, professionals such as social workers, child-life specialists, or psychologists will help parents talk to their children about their prognosis.

Children benefit greatly from the opportunity to stay emotionally connected to a parent who is undergoing cancer treatment. Therefore, both family members and the patient’s treatment team should not hesitate to include them in the experience.

For more information on this topic or for questions about M. D. Anderson’s treatments, programs, or services, call the M. D. Anderson Information Line at (800) 392-1611 (in the United States) or (713) 792-3245 (in Houston and outside the United States).

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