From OncoLog, Feburary/March 2005, Vol. 50, No. 2/3
House Call: When a Friend Has Cancer
What should I say? What should I do? When someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, these questions can be among the first to spring to your mind. Our society stresses health and vitality, leaving many people feeling uncomfortable about how to respond when a loved one is seriously ill.Relax. These tips may help you offer the kind of support that’s “just what the doctor ordered.”
Let your relationship guide you
When offering your support to someone who is ill, tailor the gesture to the type of relationship the two of you have as well as to your friend’s specific needs. For a very close friend whose home you’ve been to many times, doing some household chores like laundry or cleaning up the kitchen may be greatly welcomed. For more casual acquaintances, dropping off a meal or a small gift may be a good way to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
Be sensitive to the person’s level of comfort with accepting help. For some, having people “make a fuss” over them can be an uncomfortable reminder that they’re not well. Simply sending a thoughtful card to say you’re thinking about someone can mean a lot.
In The Etiquette of Illness—What To Say When You Can’t Find the Words, Susan P. Halpern says it is important to be “thoughtful, compassionate, and respectful.” Practicing such sentiments will help you take a practical, nonintrusive, caring approach that is especially meaningful to your friend.
Lend an ear
People with cancer are often bombarded with well-meaning advice, but it’s the rare friend who will just listen. “When someone is dealing with a serious illness, what they often need most is to talk—to express how they feel emotionally and physically,” says Irene Korcz, Ph.D., senior social worker at M. D. Anderson. Just by being an attentive, unbiased listener, you can help your friend sort through thoughts and emotions, make decisions, and perhaps even find peace.
Lighten the load
Most people won’t take you up on a nonspecific offer like, “If there’s anything I can do…” Instead, suggest a couple of specific things you think might be helpful, and see what your friend would like. Maybe you can accompany her during some of the treatments, provide an afternoon of childcare, or do the week’s grocery shopping for her. If out-of-town guests will be visiting when your friend is very ill, consider offering to host them at your home. That will allow your friend to use her limited energy enjoying the visit instead of playing host.
Remember, too, that very simple but heartfelt gestures can mean just as much or more than big ones. When catastrophic illness upends someone’s life, it’s often the little things and the daily rituals that are missed most. Sharing everyday activities like seeing a movie, going for a walk, or watching the big game on TV can help return a sense of normalcy and take the focus off medical issues for awhile. “The main idea,” says Halpern, “is to do something”—ideally, something tailored to meet the needs of your friend. Your friend is still the same person you knew before cancer came into the picture, so think more in terms of the person you know rather than the disease in deciding what to do.
Above all else, understand that simply being there may be the most valuable thing you can do for your friend.
Gift Ideas
Ways to Help
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For more information on this topic or for questions about M. D. Anderson’s treatments, programs, or services, call askMDAnderson at (877) MDA-6789.
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